New Year's Eve...

Tonight's the night we celebrate the end of one year and the beginning of another. May 2010 be as miserable for you as 2009...and the year before that and the year before that. Happy Freakin' New Year.

Cold...

Why is it that when it's really freakin' cold, your nipples get hard, but everything else disappears?

New York City...

New York City...the best city in the world for watered down drinks, overpriced crap and free beer for the kids.

Merry Christmas...

Open presents...throw away wrapping paper...open presents...throw away wrapping paper...this is getting old and I spent all that time and effort wasting tape and paper. Whose idea was this anyway?

Christmas Eve...

It's widely believed that Jesus was actually born in June or July. The reason we celebrate His birth in December is because retailers needed "something" to boost sales before year-end so they wouldn't have to pay ad valorem taxes on merchandise in their inventories. He's the reason for the season, but taxes are the reason we celebrate Christmas when we do. Damned taxes. Merry Christmas.

Hate...

Life's too short to hate anyone. But it's not too short to hate everyone.

Pain...

Pain is usually a sign that something's wrong. A "pain in the ass" is someone who thinks they know how to do something the wrong way.

A Christmas Story...

Three men die on Christmas eve. They appear before St. Peter and he asks each of them to provide something that represents Christmas. The first man walks up and pulls a lighter out of his pocket, ignites it and says, "It's a candle." St. Peter says, "Very good, walk right through this gate." The second man steps up and pulls the keys out of his pocket and starts shaking them saying, "These are jingle bells." St. Peter says, "Very good, walk right through this gate." The third man realizes he only has one thing in his pocket, but he pulls out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter says, "Those are panties. How do they represent Christmas?" The man replies, "They're Carol's."

The point of this touching Christmas story is always have a pair of panties in your pocket around Christmas time. You'll never know when you'll need them.

Merry Christmas!

Time...

Timing is everything. It doesn't matter if it pertains to a golf swing, a touchdown pass or a good joke. But if it involves taking up my time with your whining, your timing sucks.

Knowledge...

Just when you think you know everything, there's always some jackass who thinks they know more. Call them "stupid", punch them in the face and ask them if that "smarts".

Life...

Today's the first day of the rest of your life. Unless yesterday was the first day of the rest your life then that would make you one day past the first day of the rest of your life and one day closer to the last day of your life. So you have that working against you.

Stronger...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Unless you've been hit by a strategically placed bullet.

Learning...

It's easy to learn from your own mistakes. It's even easier to learn from someone else's mistakes. So let someone else screw something up and you can learn from it.